Imperfect Life: Ritayate Wedding (Mission Complete) Two-Shot
by Kasuke.Hagase
Summary: Life is already imperfect enough. But you could at least make my wedding perfect! Bah, what am I saying? With this perfect family, perfection is impossible. Besides, opposites attract, right? This is pure crack. It makes 0 sense and will be very hard to keep up with. Read at your own risk. (Everyone Alive) (Ritana - Road To Ninja Hinata)
1. Why this?

_Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto_

* * *

"Where are Tobirama and Izuna?!" Sage whispered hotly to Mito, slamming his hands onto the desk at the back of the chapel, next to the dressing rooms. Mito, being Ritana's mother, was there too. And before anyone asks; No. Sage and Mito are not, and were never together.

"They're on a date!" Mito whispered back. Both being the parent's of Ritana, they were waiting outside her dressing room to see her, because she wouldn't let anyone, not even her mother, see her before she was ready. The only exception was Kin, who was in there helping her get ready.

"Ugh! Izuna especially asked me to turn Peen into a human, and I did." Sage seethed, "What does he do in return? Miss my daughters' damn wedding!" Sage threw his hands up in exasperation, "You know what?" He began saying as Ritana walked out the door with Kin following, "I'm here and Mito's here, we're starting the wedding!" He declared, strutting off to the backroom of the chapel of wait for his part and entrance.

"Yes! Let's do this shit!" Mito agreed, smiling widely as she began walking after Sage, with Ritana at her side. "I'm going to go see if everything's prepared." Kin informed them, before running off.

"Peencake should be starting soon." Ritana commented, hurriedly walking alongside Mito with a flushed face and a nervous smile. She was _finally _getting married to Hayate! Butterflies fluttered around her stomach and she could feel joyous tears building up under her eyelids.

"Eek! I'm so excited!" Mito slowed down a bit to walk behind Ritana and make minor adjustments with her hair. Ritana smiled as a tear streamed down her face. "Ah! Ritana, you're going to mess up your makeup!"

* * *

"Time for the dress." Yagura glanced at the dress in his arms and bit his lip. "Shota! Let's do this!" Kin kicked her way into Yagura's dressing room wearing a violet, Velcro wedding dress that hugged her torso but flowed down from her waist. A slit from mid-thigh to the end ran down the right side of the dress.

"I-"

"You haven't even put it on yet?!" Kin shouted incredulously. "I-"

Kin interrupted Yagura again by pulling his shirt off with one hand and grabbing his pants edge with the other. "W-What?! Kin, what're you-"

"The wedding's about to start! We can't have your slow ass making us miss things!" She shouted, bending down to grab his pants by the ankles and yank them off, causing Yagura to fall. "Shukaku won't be happy about you doing th-"

"Oh, shush. He's not even here. Besides, he'll understand." Kin grinned, completely jerking the pants off on his, before roughly pulling him back up off the ground by his arm. Yagura caught the unsatisfied glance she gave his boxer shorts. "K-Kin don't-"

_Rip._

**"_KIIIIIIIIIIIIN!_"**

* * *

"I've never married anyone before but I promise to do my best!" Peencake chirped, smiling sweetly at Ritana, who has just arrived in the main room of the chapel. The guests had yet to come.

Mito, who had been with Ritana the whole time leaned over to whisper in Peencake's ear; "You gotta smack their heads together at the end to represent the years of pain to come."

Peencake's smile got a little tighter and she didn't respond. But if you think she should've defiled Mito's wishes you obviously aren't skilled in the art of survival. Uzumaki are not something to take lightly.

A small, orange-haired, girl skipped into the room holding flowers, and her father, Hayate followed after at a much more casual pace, eyes on Moegi the entire time. Ritana and Hayate had adopted a child who'd been staying with Hayate's mother's home on a 'vacation' for the past month. "Who's the flower girl?" She curiously inquired in a high-pitched voice.

Hayate's hand landed lightly on her head and his heart melted at the expression his daughter was wearing, "I honestly don't know," He chuckled, "but if no one else takes it, you can do it." He finished, smiling warmly at his daughter. Before getting a chance to glance at his fiance after realizing she was in the room, Hayate found himself with his eyes being covered by Mito's hands.

"No! It's bad luck for a man to see his bride's dress before the wedding starts." She scolded, glancing at the clock and back at Ritana's shocked face, before doing a double take and realizing it was starting in 5 minutes. "Shoot! Both of you guys get to the back right now! Now!" She pushed Hayate forward and walked behind him, shielding his view from Ritana, in case he decided peeking back was a fabulous idea.

* * *

"YEAH!" Teuchi shouted, running into the chapel and closely observing everything that caught his interest.

"Why is Teuchi always yelling when there's a wedding going on?" Yashamaru asked himself from his seat. "There's a wedding going on?" Teuchi asked, as he was right next to Yashamaru at the time, observing the roses by the seats.

"Hush, it's literally going on right now." Yashamaru quietly informed the Ramen Man, glancing at him. "Oh, I should've brought the ner-" Yashamaru interupped Teuchi as he slid the ramen man a nerf gun from his 99 cent fur coat. Teuchi slipped the nerf gun in his own fur coat, hiding it next to the arsenal of cokes.

Kin walk into the chapel's main room and took a in between Yagura and Yashamaru. She quietly scanned the crowd while holding a flick-blade. '_I'll be damned if anyone ruins one of my best friend's wedding.'_

Yagura, seeing the flick-blade, silently prayed she wouldn't kill anyone as he smoothed out his dress. Yashamaru completely missed it, as he was occupied with his macaroni-filled gun. Finishing loading the gun, he glanced at Teuchi, who was pretending to adjust his coat as a cover-up for the fact that he was also loading his nerf gun with macaroni.

"Another wedding?" Izuna walked in with a scowling Madara and both took their seats.

They both snapped their heads up when Kiba began a passionate speech.

"RINATA IS A GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL THING! HAYATE IS HANDSOME BUT DEA- VERY GOOD PROFESSOR THING THO- I MEAN I FAILED BUT-" He cut himself off with a heavy sigh and continued, "I LOVE THEM BOTH VERY MUCH! VERY CUTE COUPLE INDEED! SHIBE APPROVED MARRIAGE! MAY THEY BE TOGETHER MOSTLY PEACEFULLY!" He yelled into the microphone. Then he paused and yelled; "RITANA, I MAY TRY TO HOP ON YOUR MAN'S DICK IN THE FUTURE! I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST BEING HONEST! DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY! I LOVE YOU! KEEP HIM CLOSE!"

In the corner, Kisame, who was filming the wedding, focused his high-tech camera off of Kiba, who was breaking down into tears and running off the stage, and on Peencake as she cleared her throat.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

Kin hid her flick-blade and all attention was on the minister.

* * *

Ritana excitedly shuffled in the back room with Sage trying to calm her down and Mito trying to contain her sobs of happiness. "Do not shoot guns at my wedding, I will crescent moon the lot of you." Hayate mumbled, peaking in the door to the main room.

_"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony." _They heard Peen's voice echo from said room.

"Oh jeez, we're doing this, okay." Hayate tugged at his tie and tried to glance behind him, but caught a watery glare from Mito. "No peeking!" She hissed. He broke out into a loud coughing fit, interrupting what we're all sure was a supposedly amazing response. "Dad!" Moegi chided quickly, before running in to petal up the floor, as the flower-girl of the wedding.

Hayate didn't respond, still coughing. "I'm still surprised Izuna showed up." Sage remarked. They paid him no mind.

"Oh, it's time." Hayate casually informed, after his coughing fit. He walked in the main room's aisle and onto the platform thing. Peencake began a new speech then.

Mito sighed aggressively, sharing an irritated glance with Sage.

_"FEARS, HAPPINESS, DREAMS AND LIFE IN UNISON FOREVER." _They heard Peencake end her minister speech with a loud ending. "Let's knock 'em dead." Sage whispered, welcoming Ritana on his arm as they strutted into the main room of the chapel with Mito on Ritana's other side.

* * *

"The_ Sage_ has a _daughter_?! Man, today is full of surprises!" Teuchi exclaimed from his seat. Yashamaru glared at him for drawing attention to them.. Or at least trying to because the entire chapel was focused on Sage and Mito walking Ritana down the aisle.

Yagura, who was seated at the front with Kin, gave Kisame a look when he noticed said swordsman focusing the camera on his face. Moegi, who was seated right next to them both, glared behind her at everyone who was talking, for the soft buzz of chatter filled the chapel.

"I swear to shit, you faggots better shut up. I'm trying to marry two lovey people here." Peen mumbled, before shouting; "DO YOU, HAYATE, TAKE RITANA TO BE YOUR WIFE?" Peencake looked down at Hayate intently. "I d-" "WILL YOU LOVE HER COMFORT HER HONOR HER? PROTECT HER AND KEEP HER? IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH? FOR RICHER," Everyone in the chapel shared bemused glances, "FOR POORER! FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE! IN SADNESS AND IN JOY! TO CHERISH AND TO CONTINUALLY BESTOW UPON HER YOUR HEARTS _DEEPEST DEVOTION_ FORSAKING _ALL_ OTHERS?!"

Peencake leaned in, narrowing her eyes at Hayate as he seemed to consider all the conditions given. "..I-" A loud coughing fit racked his body and he swiftly leaned away to cough into his elbow. "What does best man do at a wedding?" Kiba whispered, standing near the altar nervously. Several minutes later, Hayate was still coughing, and save for that, the chapel was in dead silence. "I swear to go-" Peencake was interrupted. "I do." Hayate agreed to the conditions, looking at Peen innocently. "Eep." Ritana squeaked.

* * *

"...Does this wedding have chicken?" Konohamaru's voice echoed from the back. People focused their attention on him, sans Yagura who was glaring forward, his aura oozing irritation. Kin poked him to get him behaved.

Madara, who was seated a few rows behind Konohamaru, was sipping sake as he glared at Mito. Mito, from her seat on the alter, right behind the standing groom, calmly ignored Madara's aggression.

Yashamaru tapped his gun on his knee, smirking at Teuchi as they aimed at random spectators of the wedding.

* * *

Peencake continued, "DO YOU TAKE HAYATE TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?" She shouted at the trembling Ritana, (ignoring the macaroni that pelted her dress, but giving an angry glance to Teuchi), "WILL YOU LOVE AND CHERISH HIM? HONOUR AND KEEP HIM, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH ? FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SADNESS-" Peencake paused, "Though if he makes you sad, you can totally slap him that's cool.."

Sage fixed his tux and straightened the moon flowers in his outside torso pocket, "If I don't get to him first." He grinned at Ritana.

Hayate's jaw dropped, "_Wha-" _"AND IN JOY, TO CHERISH AND TO CONTINUOUSLY BESTOW UPON HIM YOUR HEARTS DEEPEST DEVOTION, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS?!" Ritana prepared herself to answer Peencake's shouting, "I d-" "KEEPING YOURSELF FOR HIS D FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?" Peen added passionately, wriggling her eyebrows at Ritana when she said 'D'.

"I _do_!" Ritana grinned at Hayate. He blushed and glanced down bashfully.

He then glanced at Kin who was whispering with Yagura. 'Why does my wedding have to have so much drama? Why _this?_' Kiba was pulling on his collar nervously.

* * *

Kin had a dark, purple aura appear around her as she glared at the people around her. In the back rows, Teuchi drummed on the seats in front of him with his nerf guns. "If there is any shooting at this wedding, I'll fucking gatsuga your ass into oblivion." Kiba growled.

"I have yet to see one organized wedding here." Yashamaru commented idly, aiming his gun at Kisame. "Ow!" Kisame's shout of pain echoed around the room.

* * *

Everyone took the time of wedding-ring confusion as an opportunity to socialize.

"Where's the ring bearer?"

"Madara's double was supposed to be it. The Kid Madara that Tobirama accidentally crea-"

"Well he's not here now!"

"Yagura, go do it!" Kin shoved Yagura off the seat and he.. fell..

"I can't. How did I walk up here in heels without falling?" He mumbled the last part to himself.

Konohamaru looked around in boredom; "Does this wedding have vodka?" Kiba lowered himself into his seat.

* * *

"If someone would give them the rings so I can get on with the next part I'd be grateful, to be honest!" Peencake shouted.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kisame abandoned his camera to chat with Madara; "Do you plan on getting drunk, sir?"

Madara glanced down at his cup of sake, "It is very possible, to be honest." Kisame smiled, "Hmm.. This is good information. Thank you, sir." He strutted back to his camera with Madara eying his back suspiciously.

* * *

"Ew, did anyone hear a snake?" Kin questioned, looking around her. "You would know what a snake sounds like." Yagura snickered. She glared in response.

"I still can't believe Yagura wore some goddamn heels... and at the same time.. I'm totally unsurprised." Yashamaru said.

* * *

"OI BITCHES! SOMEONE GIVE THEM THE RINGS ALREADY!" Mito shouted at the crowd. They were stunned into silence.

...

"WAIT! I CAN BE RING BEARER IF NEEDED!" Kiba exclaimed, perking up.

"FEAR NOT!" Fugaku ran into the room, "I HAVE THE RINGS!" He exclaimed. Sasuke's jaw dropped from his seat amongst the spectators. "YOU ALL GET RINGS IN YOUR WEDDING LOOP BAGS! SURPRISE BITCHES!" Fugaku shouted.

"Wait no. It's all good." Kiba drew back.

Hanare lost her shit from the first few rows, "FUGAKU, I'M GON' PISS! I'M LAUGHING SO HARD!" She cackled.

"Where did Ritana go?" Hayate's voice drew order in the chapel and they all looked to see Ritana gone. "Was I just jilted by the bride?" Hayate questioned incredulously. "If Ritana skips out on her wedding, can Hayate and I bang in the pews?" Kiba asked.

"You may not bang my daddy, unworthy one." Moegi answered. "It'd be your daddy banging me, and excuse you, I'm worthy. We almost did it several times."  
"No, my daddy's loyal to Ritana and would never bang an unworthy _doge_ like you." Moegi balled her fists. "

"HAYATE, YOUR DAUGHTER IS CALLING ME AN UNWORTHY DOGE!" Kiba shouted out, before turning back to Moegi and saying, "Not an unworthy doge, excuse you."

"Now your just an unworthy mangy _mutt._" Moegi challenged, Kiba laughed out a 'no'.

"HAYATE, WE NEVER HAD A BACHELOR PARTY!" Kiba suddenly shouted.

Izuna chirping from next to Madara could be heard. Madara stared at his little brother horridly, 'I forgot he has horrible alcohol tolerance!' He thought.

Mito stared at Izuna, wondering why the fuck he's chirping and how she can successfully shut him up discretely without killing him. Kiba straightened his tux and fixed his tie, trying to leave an example of peace and order.

"THE RINGS OF SWAG!" Fugaku screamed, pointing at the alter. Izuna chirped more loudly.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID MY DAUGHTER GO?!" Mito screamed out. Chikushodo walked in with a soda, "W- Hold up, who's wedding right now?" Kiba internally screamed.

She was grabbed by Izuna and shoved into the seat next to him. Fugaku paused and looked around, "Who is the bride though?" He skipped to the alter, "I have the rings but there is nary a finger to put them on!" He shouted at Peencake.

"WHERE DID RITANA GO?!" Hayate shouted at Peencake. "I DON'T KNOW! I'M A PRIEST, NOT A BABYSITTER!"

In the back, Kiba was fighting to shove Yashamaru and Teuchi out the door. "Sorry no. We will still be here.. You can't kick us out; wedding crasher game too raw." Yashamaru objected, pushing against Kiba with unexpected force and sending him rolling.

"Yashamaru, If I summon my gun can I join you?" Kin shouted from the front. Sage looked around with narrowed eyes, "Daughter! Haul your ass back to reality!"

Kiba gave shushed sobs, "It was gonna be fucking awesome."

"Calm your shit!" Everyone paused and looked at Ritana who was running up the aisle barefoot, holding her dress off the ground before jumping back onto the alter. She ran her fingers through her hair like nothing was wrong.

"OKAY! SHE'S HERE! IT'S GOOD!" Hayate shouted.. But Fugaku proved him wrong.

* * *

"I WAS DRUNK AT MY OWN WEDDING! OBVIOUSLY I AM CURRENTLY BOOZED!" Fugaku shouted, running back down the aisle. "AT MY WEDDING I FORGOT TO SLIP THE FINGER BUT I SLIPPED THE D!" He exclaimed.

Sasuke sunk into his seat with both hands covering his face. "Still gonna cr-ry.." Kiba whimpered, tears welling.

"HAPPY EASTER!" Fugaku screamed, jumping up and down while ripping his vest to shreds. "N-No. I'm tough." Kiba whispered. "Who shows up to a wedding drunk? That's basic." Moegi arched a brow, kneeling in her chair with both hands firmly on the back of it.

"Omg! ThisisthefirstweddingIcanattend! Thisisveryexcite!" Chiku squealed, finally realizing what was going on.

"I have to pee but my dad is going to call any second, dammit." Yashamaru mumbled, ignoring Kin as she cuddled her gun from her new seat; Beside him.

"DRUNK SINCE YESTERDAY, HOLLER!" Fugaku yelled, unaware that a macaroni bullet whizzed passed him and knocked Izuna out his seat as it nailed him in the face.

"Yashamaru, I shot Izuna. Can I join?" Kin asked sweetly. Yasha rolled his eyes. "Nobody pay attention to Yashamaru n' ramen bro. I threw them out, its all good." Kiba announced.

"OK! RINGS EXCHANGED! LET'S MOVE ON!" Hayate shouted, leading the majority of the crowd to wonder when this had happened.

Peencake placed her hands on the hands of Ritana and Hayate, "I BLESS THESE RING BECAUSE I AM A PRIEST AND THAT'S PRIESTY SHIT!"

Yashamaru lifted his gun and aimed at Kiba.

"THEY ARE BLESSED AS THE SYMBOL OF UNDYING LOVE AND AFFECTION!"

"This wedding is my bitch.. Boozin.." Fugaku muttered..

"A UNITY THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL SOULS ARE JOINED IN!"

Teuchi shot at Kiba.

"ONE FOREVER UNBROKEN CIRCLE!"

"Don't booze n' cruise." Fugaku muttered.

"WHEREVER THEY SHALL GO, MAY THEY ALWAYS RETURN TO ONE ANOTHER!"

"This wedding is taking forever, like, I'm probably just going to shoot myself." Yashamaru groaned.

"MAY THEY FOREVER FALL DEEPER IN LOVE AND MAY THEY FOREVER BE HAPPY TOGETHER!"

Sage bit his lip to hold in the tears while he looked at Ritana's face, which was glowing with happiness. Wiping his eyes, he whispered, "You've grown so well."

"I now pronounce you man and wife. Hayate, kiss your wife. May I be the first to congratulate you two." Peencake ended, finally speaking softly with a warm smile on her face.

Hayate visibly restrained a cough and kissed his wife, enticing their daughter to jump up and start throwing glitter everywhere.

Kisame zoomed his camera in on Sage's face, "Go ahead, you can cry.. Let it out."

Kiba was sobbing by then.

Sage glared at the camera. "Good footage." Kisame chuckled.

"Like, mine didn't even take this long and we spent, like, twenty minutes arguing over a pentagram." Yashamaru mumbled.

"I'm getting my suit wet, ugh." Kiba sniffled.

"I CRYING!" Fugaku shouted, before frowning and saying: "No, ok."

That's when Hotaru ran in giggling.

* * *

"Oh my gosh! Wedding! I see wedding!" She shouted, pointing at Ritana and Hayate who were sucking face on the alter.

"I never knew weddings were like this.." Chiku commented. "I AM SORRY IT WAS SO LONG, BUT I WANTED IT TO BE LOVELY AND SPECIAL AND PERFECT FOR THEM AND I THINK I DID OK? DID I MESS UP?" Peencake shouted in a questioning tone.

"If my wedding isn't this perf, I swear, we are stopping and restarting it till it's perfect to the letter." Moegi nodded to herself, crossing her arms.. She was ignored.

"CONGRATULATIONS DAUGHTER!" Sage yelled, trying to get Ritana to stop making out with her husband in front of everyone's faces. Fugaku scribbled, 'MORE BOOZE NEXT TIME!' and placed it in the wedding suggestion box.

"Mommy, daddy, congrats! Don't frickle frackle to hard now please!" Moegi screamed in happiness, jumping in her chair.  
"Congratulations Ritana and Hayate! I'm sure you will have a very nice future together!" Hotaru shouted to the front.

"RECEPTION TIME?" Kiba shouted out, "LET'S GET DRUNK!" He was ignored.

"Eeee! May the two of you be showered with love 'n stuff!" Chiku congratulated, running to the front.

Ritana finally broke away from Hayate, who immediately fell into a body-racking coughing fit.

"Congratulations. Hayate and Ritana, I wish you much happiness and great sex." Kisame stated, turning off the camera. "CONGRATS TO THE MARRIED COUPLE! MORE BOOZE PLEASE!" Fugaku ran outside and began to whatever drunk people do.

"Congrats, yo." Kin grinned. Hotaru began crying in self pity, for she missed yet another wedding. "VODKAAAAAAAA!" Kiba shouted.

Mito smacked both their heads together, smiling a predatory smile. "OW!"

Fugaku ran back in and began dancing crazily, "BOOOOOOOZE!"

"Thanks for coming guys," Hayate began, smiling down at the people with a blue bruise forming on his forehead. Sage and Mito were doing a victory dance. Yashamaru eating the macaroni in his gun, Moegi and Kisame throwing glitter at each other, Madara glaring at Mito (and Sage), and Izuna smiling contently, waited for Hayate to continue. "Open bar." Hayate's words brought silence to the people.

Suddenly, Kin fired celebration shots from a cannon. "YEAH!"

* * *

_Ha! This took me over a week to write! *wipes sweat from face* This is a two-shot. Next chapter is the reception!  
_


	2. Reception Time!

"MY VODKA PICTURES WILL BE OF USE!" Kiba exclaimed. Izuna had a content look on his face. "MACHINE GUN VODKA!" Kiba continued.

Peencake squealed and jumped off the alter and into Genma's awaiting arms. "I should work part time as a priestess!" She grinned. He smirked at everyone who turned to see who has tried to squeal their ears off, "Waifu is a go getter." He informed, carrying Peen to the side door that leads to a reception room.

"JOLLY RANCHER VODKA!" Kiba shouted.

"Wait.. GENMA IS HERE?! HUSBAND!" Peen's voice drifted off into the room.

"VODKA IN A CRYSTAL TEDDY BEAR!" Kiba jumped up in the air, arms thrown up in a cheer, before dashing into the reception room, "VODKA!"

Chiku giggled, running behind them into the reception room and catapulting herself over to the bar. Yashamaru followed her at a much more composed pace, pausing as he was passing Ritana and Hayate, "Congrats, emo twin and sister... I would shoot the macaroni but I ate it so.." He trailed off.

Hayate tightened his grip around Ritana's waist and rolled his eyes at Yasha, leading Ritana into the reception room. Everyone who cared to party at the reception had already entered, while the awed villagers who came to the wedding only to be in the same room as Madara, The Sage of Six Paths, and Kisame of the Seven Swordsman had left.

...Not that Kin would've allowed them to enter...

"VODKA!" Kiba's voice seemed to echo through the whole room and all heads swiveled to see him ransacking the bar and snatching every vodka bottle he could find.

"...I bought more vodka then that." Mito mumbled. Sage, who was already half-drunk, pointed at Kiba with a small smirk. "He was kicked out of the wedding my Kin for asking to do the frickle frackle with Hayate after the wedding. Chances have it that he already hid a lot of the vodka."

Mito tilted her head, trying to remember such a thing happening... "Oh.." She said quietly.

"VOOOODKAAAAAA!" Kiba screeched, hitting Chiku with a full bottle, thus shattering it on her head when she tried to stop him from taking them all. Kiba carried the two arm-fulls of vodka bottles into the supply closet, before popping his head out and looking around the room, "Where is Kank? We can have drunken-reception bathroom sex." Everyone ignored him.

"WAIT! Mom didn't throw the bouquet so how are we gonna know who gets married next?" Moegi asked, running to her mom. Ritana glanced at the bouquet in the vase at the end of the bar table and snatched it, before throwing it at Kin.  
"Problem solved."

"Awesome." Kin smirked, walking over to Ritana and Moegi. "Ooooooh! Kin-chan, who's the lucky man?!" Moegi squealed, latching onto Kins dress and pulling herself onto Kin's hip.

Kin paused, "No one."

"Here we go!" Sage exclaimed, pulling a remote out of the inside of his vest and clicking a button. The lights dimmed and a disco ball emerged from the ceiling, painting spinning diamonds on the velvet walls.

A puff of smoke.. Well, _poofed _in the middle of the room. When it dispersed, Hashirama was revealed standing in the middle of the room, "Vodka? Where?!" He looked around, twisting his torso to and fro in search of the vodka until he caught sight of Madara and headed for his uke instead.

"Vodka summons the ninja universe, I swear." Yashamaru mumbled, sipping at his glass cup of vodka. Kiba wasn't strong enough to hold vodka from one of the Fourth Kazekage's anbu. That's for sure.

Moegi drunkenly stumbled onto the stage and snatched the mic from the microphone-pole-holder-thing. "We're _aaall _in this to_ge-ther __oo_nce we kn_o_w! That we'r_e all_- we-re all st_aaaars!_ Aaaaand we_ see _th_a_t!" She drunkenly sang High School Musical and Demi Lovato with a scratchy, wavering voice. "_Gi_ve your he_art! _A br_eeeeeea_k!"

"Oh." Temari's eyes widened at what was happening, having walked in after hearing all the ruckus from her home, which is next to the chapel, "Let me try and make sense of this wedding that seems to be going on.."

Kiba could be heard sobbing from inside the supply closet.

Hashirama slipped out of the room unnoticed.

"VODKAAAAAAA!" Sage hollered. "I'm next to get married. I'm celebrating with vodka~!" Kin exclaimed, clinking vodka glasses with Ritana as they swerved around the dance floor.

Sage chugged down another bottle of vodka. "OHMYSELF LOOK! IM VODKOA BECAH-OOSE IF THE DRUMK!" He slurred excitedly.

Hashirama walked 20 minutes late for the wedding with vodka in one hand and a bag of weed in the other, "What's up people? Sorry I'm late but I got that good-good!" He exclaimed, bringing the goods to his table, where Madara was waiting.

"Don't ask me when my wedding is, please!" Kiba cried out from inside the closet.

Kin calmly sat down, and began watching the 'weeding', sipping her vodka serenely.

"WEED, YO!" Kin turned her head to where Sage was huddled with Teuchi and Moegi at Hashirama's table for weed and sighed, "Can I marry my gun or do I _have_ to marry a man?" Yashamaru leaned on back on his elbows, which her resting on the table behind him. "Pretty sure the gun'd give a better bang."

"I'm considering it." Kin deadpanned, shooting Izuna in the face with her macaroni gun.

* * *

Hours later, Sage was both high _and _drunk, Moegi was piss drunk, and Ritana was twerking against Hayate. Kiba was still locked in the closet with all the vodka, "LOTS OF VODKA!"

He also might've gone slightly insane.

"Woah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sage laughed insanely, doing the worm on the dance floor and occasionally spinning on his elbows or hands to swerve past tripping drunkards who were trying to dance or walk.

"SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! POUR SOME DRINKS NOW!" Moegi screamed. Mito had brought out the sake and tequila to replace their stolen vodka. Said Uzumaki poured more sake for her granddaughter and sighed.

"Yo! Where the alcohol? No one invited me to the party?! Lets get twisted, my niggas. Hell yeah, free drinks for all! Put it on Sasukes tab!" Kishimoto busted in the room with Sasuke at his side..

Let's just say the Sage's rinnegan, Madara's sharingan, both's jutsu, can do amazing things when collaborated.

"This is a wedding reception, yo." The Sage tuned back into sanity at the sight of Kishimoto (he has that effect on people). But it didn't last very long as he rushed to the bar to demand more alcohol from his daughter's mother.

"Frick you. I wasn't invited either, you're not getting anything on my tab." Sasuke frowned. "DRINKS ARE ON THE SAUCE MAN, EVERYONE!" Kishi exclaimed, skipping over to the bar. Sasuke rushed behind him to try and stop him from doing anything to place him in debt, "NO THEY AREN'T!" The avenger yelled in protest.

"Sasuke is a greedy liar!" Kishimoto exclaimed. "No, you are, you little fricker!" Sasuke argued. Kishimoto didn't respond, smirking when he saw Sage discretely placing the price of the tequila he just bought on Sasuke's tab.

"CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP!" Ritana yelled, twerking on Hayate harder. Said man groaned, feeling p(le)a(sure)in'. "Not right, now. At the honey moon." He mumbled. Ritana's response was to twerk faster.

"Can we get a _slow dance_ from the newly weds?" Kiba poked his head out of the closet and watched Ritana and Hayate with an eyebrow raised. "She's twerking right now." Hayate deadpanned. "But-"

"Don't worry. I got this." Sage interjected.

"My gift to you is not staining the bride's dress with cheese sauce. You're welcome." Yashamaru said, arching a brow at the couple.

Ritana obviously inherited her amazing twerking skills from Sage, as he was twerking in a similar fashion against the closed closet door. Kisame speedily pulled his mini high-tech high-def camera from his vest pocket and began filming the twerking with narrowed eyes.

"Sage, can I just cry and drink in peace?" Kiba's muffled voice came from inside the closet. Sage only twerked harder, and the sobbing sounds coming from the closet intensified.

* * *

By the closet, Chiku sat on the floor, avoiding Sage's twerking ass and reading a book, 'How To Deal With A Crying Man'.

Moegi crawled, sneaking into the closet room by opening it about a yard when Sage left for more tequila, and snatching Kiba's 4 personal flasks. She hid one in her hair, another in the obi, one was firmly held in her right hand, and the last one was snatched by Kiba, before he literally threw her out of the closet and slammed the door shut.

"You are twelve!" Kishimoto exclaimed, confiscating her flask the moment she stood outside the closet again. "I am ninja! Hear me roar!" Moegi shouted, jumping for the flask that he held above his head and out of her reach.

"That's enough tequila for you!" Kishi decided pocketing the flask. "Fine, dammit." Moegi sighed. Kishi's eyes softened and he reached inside his vest, before removing his hand and giving the contents of it to Moegi.

"Take this meth instead!" Kishi shouted. Moegi squealed and ran away with it, "Ok!"

"No!" Hayate shouted, seeing what had happened.

"Ok! Daughter needs her slow song!" Sage shouted, pushing Kisame away from the DJ table and taking over the laptop. _Can You Feel The Love Tonight _began playing. "Dad, what the hell?" Ritana asked. "She wanted this song when she was, like 6. I don't care if she's grown now." Sage explained to the party-goers who were looking at him incredulously

* * *

Yagura sighed and walked outside the reception room's back door. "Baby, where are you?" He called out. Shukaku emerged from around the corner and walked to Yagura in a casual fashion, "Around."

Yagura sighed, relieved. Shukaku didn't attend the wedding but promised to come pick him up. "I missed you!" Yagura smiled, walking to Shukaku, wincing a little when he felt pressure against his toes, "I hate these heels, though."

Shukaku frowed, "Then take them off." Yagura looked at him curiously as he pulled off his heels, "Why do you seem upset?"

Shukaku shrugged in response, "I'm fine." Yagura smiled softly at Shukaku, ignoring the screaming and squealing coming from inside the reception room, "We can leave." He hugged Shukaku with his face pressed against the Bijuu's chest, "It was pretty chaotic anyways."

Shukaku hugged back briefly, before pulling away and looking down at his uke with soft eyes, "Go enjoy yourself. I'll be here when you're done."

The jinchuuriki shook his head, grabbing Shukaku's hand, "I'm ready to go. Everyone's on the vodka right now."

"...Wow."

"I was terrified considering Kin shot Izuna twice, there was talk of adoption, and all the screaming." Yagura added, before he felt a grip on his arm.  
"No." Sage pulled Shukaku and Yagura inside.. Or at least tried to (because Shukaku is one strong bijuu, dammit). "We need a slow dance, please set an example."

"I'M JUST PICKING YAGURA UP, I DONT-" "Um." Yagura's soft , sweet, (kawaii-desu-shota) voice calmed Shukaku down. "Literally the only reason I am here is to take you home. I am not setting foot inside." Shukaku told Yagura. "I know love." Yagura smiled up at his seme. Sage was forgotten for the moment (wrong move), giving him a change to jerk them to the door and shove them inside.

"Fuc-" Before Shukaku had a chance to swear Sage into oblivion, Sage dragged them to the dance floor and ran away giggling, looking for more vodka.

* * *

Moegi pulled out a second flask of tequila she'd hidden in her kimono top, "CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP!" She screamed, opening it giddily. She truly is her mother's daughter.

Ritana, had long since stopped twerking on Hayate and began twerking on the table. But she stopped when she saw what Moegi was doing. Jumping off the table she lunged for the flask and threw it behind her. Ignoring Kisame's shout of '_OW!_', She began strip searching her daughter. "Fricking, I TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER SO WELL!" Sage's shout boomed from the bar stand, were he was chugging a bottle of tequila and watching the scene.

When Ritana had Moegi in only boy-shorts and bandages wrapping her chest, Moegi giggled and pulled a flask out her hair, "Hurhurhur."

"FUCKING HELL, MY DAUGHTER'S AN ALCOHOLIC!" Ritana screamed. "EXCUSE! Recovering alcoholic, thank you very much." Moegi responded indignantly. "You're not recovering very _well!_" Ritana snapped. Moegi scoffed at that, "I'm recovering just fine, thank you very much." Moegi objected, before she took a swig of her tequila.

"LIES!" Ritana snatched Moegi's bottle and threw it out the window. Moegi let out a single sob, before pulling the meth Kishimoto gave her out of her hair, "Fine, I'll just smoke these rocks." She used her fire-element chakra as a starter and began smoking the meth. "NO!" Ritana slapped the meth away.

"Maaaaaaan, I can't do _nothing_." Moegi crossed her arms and glared up at her mother. "You can drink orange juice." Ritana said in a clipped tone, shoving a box of orange juice into Moegi's hand. "..Fine." Moegi immediately began drinking.

Kishimoto, who had watched the whole scene with wide eyes let out a shout, "WHO GAVE THE KIDS VODKA?" Sasuke bowed his bead from the bar table, "I'm sorry, I did."

Kiba could be heard flailing inside the closet.

"DAMMIT SASUKE, I GAVE THEM METH AS A HEALTHIER ALTERNATIVE!"

"AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE WITH _ME_!" Sasuke complained. "I HAVE A LINE OF COKE ON MY ASS CRACK!" Kishimoto offered, giving Sasuke a perverted smile.

Sasuke's eyes widened and he went to hide behind Tite Kubo, who's arrived a few minutes after Kishimoto did. Kishimoto narrowed his eyes and broke the empty vodka bottle on the table, shattering the lower half.

* * *

Ritana was seated at a table with her new family and did hand motions at Hayate in hopes that Moegi wouldn't be able to interpret it. With ther right hand, she made a circle with her thumb and index finger (all other fingers high in the air), and used her left hand to insert her right index finder into the hole her left hand made.

Hayate's jaw dropped. Moegi made a gun sign with her own 12-year-old hand and put it at her mother's head, "Blow her brains out, daddy."

"Wow, no more violent T.V. for you." Hayate decided. "Awww, it's just power puff girls, dad." Moegi whined. "Let's go into a closet." Ritana interrupted their conversation with her own idea.

"Can we deal with the fact that Kishimoto just gave our daughter meth first?" Hayate asked Ritana, ignoring the empty vodka bottle that zoomed past his face and shattered on ther wall, courtesy of Kin and her gun. "Woooow, ok." Chiku congratulated Kin on almost harming the groom."It didn't even hit him in the face. This thing is WORTHLESS." Kin complained.

Hayate then turned to Moegi, "Yeah,-" "What!? Dammit, Kishimoto I wanted some newly wed frick frack!" "-I'm putting parental block on ever channel." Hayate told Moegi, ignoring Ritana's outburst. "No no! Not the yaoi channel, please daddy!" Moegi begged. "You know what? You're getting books.. Not manga either. Or romance. Or horror. Or adult." Hayate frowned.

"Can I get the My Little Pony ones?" Moegi asked innocently. "I have to approve them first, but maybe." Hayate responded.

Kishimoto, who had heard Ritana's outburst about frick frack limped over. "No worries, I'm up for a frick frack all the time!" He grinned, ignoring the pain it caused his bruised face.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU SHIT!"

"Can I get the ones on mommies pictures? They look nice." Moegi smiled sweetly up at her father. "Listen if it's something your mom has anything at all to do with.. My answer is probably no." Hayate responded. "But- But mother approves." Moegi pleaded.

"Dammit. Getting my dick hard for nothin'." Kishimoto mumbled, limping away.

"Listen, you can read anything that passes dad's approval, ok?" Hayate offered. "Kay. Do you approve of Moegi x Iruka fanfics, daddy?" Moegi asked, looking up at Hayate with wide eyes.

"No." Hayate said quickly and sternly, "No fanfics at all."

"_Wow_," Moegi drawled, "Can I read American manga? They show the boob." Moegi asked. "We'll talk about it." Hayate sighed, picking Moegi up and placing her on his other side so she wouldn't have to climb over him while attempting to leave her seat from between him and her mother. "Thank you, daddy. You're the best!" She squealed, kissing her father's cheek, before running out of his sight.

Moegi dashed past Izuna, who was sitting on in the corner eating food and observing the people, Kiba, who was running out of his closet to get more vodka, Kisame, who was walking around filming random people and objects, Kin, who went and intercepted Yagura from Shukaku's "overprotective" clutches, and Yagura, who had Shukaku's arm wrapped around his waist.

"OHH! I'll dance with Chibi then!" Kin beamed, stumbling over the Yagura and jerking him out of Shukaku's arms. She dragged his protesting self to the dance floor, before placing her arms on each shoulder.

"Definitely eloping." Kiba decided, glancing at the scene on his way back to the closet with both arms full.

Yagura wrapped his arms around Kin's waist but instead of letting them hang there, he had to lift them up to reach her waist, for he was simply to short.

"Chibi, I am as drunk as you are small. I'm BLITZED." Kin cackled. "I'm dancing with a drunk, heartbroken and possibly insane girl." Yagura stated to himself. Kin stopped and let go, "Oh.. well.." She looked at the floor and frowned, before turning and walking away.

"My best friend is a moron." Yagura nodded to himself, before going off to find his husband.

Moegi was outside.. smoking meth.. "UNCLE KISHI'S the _bestest_!"

"CONGRATS ON YOUR WEDDIN', YOU SEXY BEBES!" Fugaku shouted, hopping on the table and pointing at the newly wedded couple with both hands. Kisame threw marshmallows in the air like it's confetti.

Moegi ran back inside a few minutes later and threw the rocks(meth) in the air, "HOLLAAAAAAA!"

"If it wasn't child abuse, I would lock Moegi up in a little room for the rest of her life, I swear." Ritana narrowed her eyes at her daughter from her place on Hayate's lap at the bar.

"I don't think it's child abuse at all.. Just ask Shukaku." Sage commented, reminiscing of the way he'd discipline his bijuu kids when they were young. Shukaku glared at him from the opposite side of the bar.

Moegi walked to the dance floor, "Hit 'em with the twerk no jutsu." She said, making a duck face and began twerking rapidly.

Again. Truly, she is her mother's daughter.

Kisame looked at his camera- "That was just gross." -and broke it, before he picked up a bag of marshmallows from the bar-table, and began throwing marshmallows at people.

He began with TenTen. Before she knew it, marshmallows were falling on her hair and in her beer. "IT'S RAINING MARSHMALLOWS! HALLELUJAH!" She sang, jumping up and break dancing.

"What would happen if I started throwing glitter?" Kisame inquired curiously, noting that girls can be weird when showered with things. "I will do a Sailor Moon sequence in it." Kin responded immediately.

Kisame was quick to put his marshmallows down, draw a bag of glitter from his cloak, and throw some glitter at Kin, "Do your thang, _girl!_" Kisame cheered her on as Tenten ran to the DJ stand and changed the music, drawing loud protests from Sage. Kin started the Sailor Moon dance sequence with Girls' Generation playing in the background.

The Hoshigaki laughed, throwing more glitter. "My stripper name is Sparkles. Fear me." Kisame joked, jumping onto a table that had a pole going through the center. Said pole reached the ceiling. "Actually, no. Don't. I'm actually really nice." Kisame corrected himself, chuckling.

Kin let her hair down and had it flow in the moonlight and glitter. The ceiling had a giant window on it, I'll have you know. Kisame lightly sprinkled glitter over Kin from above, watching as Kin's headband vanished,and sailor fuku and accessories appeared on her body. Kin landed lightly on the ground and struck the traditional pose. A hand on her hip and a horizontal peace sign in front of her face.

Kisame rubbed glitter all over himself, jumped off the table, and ran around flailing and throwing more marshmallows. Kin flipped her hair over her shoulder, at least I didn't pull a Hinata and dance naked.

Izuna coughed up a macaroni-bullet, before looking down at it with pursed lips.

Ritana by that time was exhausted and sighed, "When can we have our newlywed frickl-" Her complaining to Hayate was interrupted by Sage grabbing her arm and pulling her out of the building through the back door, Hayate following close behind. "Right now. I want grandchildren as soon as I can get them. Go make me grandkids." He shoved Hayate out of the doorway where said groom was supposedly 'safe' from the impatient-roughness of Sage.

"Ah?! But how's the reception supposed to happen without the newlyweds?" Mito asked, running outside to confront Sage. Her shoes weren't on her feet (don't ask how).

Sage frowned. "It-.. It won't."

"_What?!_"

"**We're _shutting it down_**!" Sage exclaimed, running back inside and locking up the bar.

"Wha-!" "_Sage!_" "Why're you-!" "NOOO-!" "MY VODKAAAAA!"

Hashirama was seated contently in the back smoking his weed, an arm wrapped around Madara's waist, "Losers."

"SAGE! UNLOCK IT _RIGHT NO-_" Sasuke was flicked in the forehead by Sage. No one really took him seriously anymore.. Not after all the bitch-ass moves he pulled after going rouge. And the shitty moves he pulled before it.

"KATON-" "Sasuke! What are you-" "-GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!" Sasuke blew a fireball at Sage but Sage (being the Sage Of Six Paths and all) jumped out of the way. "Sasuke, you dumbass! Alcohol is flammab-"

_**Boom.**_

The entire bar exploded and flames licked at the spectators, who were no longer spectators, but (fearful) victims who were running out of a reception room and back into the chapel's main room. Actually the only one who was scared was Sasuke. And you would be too, if you faced the angry expressions of every ninja in the room. A room filled with a large amount of ninja.

You'd piss your shorts if there were legendary ninja in the room. So Sasuke did. "S-Sorry?"

"_Sasuke_," Kishimoto cracked his fists, Sage standing behind him at his left and Madara at his right. Standing to Sage's left but slightly behind him was Chiku (Chikushodo, a path of Pein), and standing at Madara's right but a little behind was Hashirama. All five wore pissed expressions, along with everyone else in the room. Kisame pulled Samehada off of his back and the bandages on it unraveled a bit. "You're _dead_." Kishimoto finished.

Sasuke's eyes widened but the poor avenger had no time to speak as Kishimoto lunged, fists bared. When Sasuke dodged, he barely had a second to look up before Samehada was smashed into his face. "Ow!"

It was sure to be a loooong night for _this _Uchiha.

* * *

**_The End_**


End file.
